Yelp Is My Best Friend...

In the few months that I've been traveling, I've discovered the brilliance of Yelp.com.   Some people may have eating at every Applebee's in America on their bucket list, but I'm not one of them.  I've had the app for a couple of years now, but I hardly ever used it until I became a professional nomad.  One of my goals for life on the road is to avoid chains as much as possible. These days, it's rare for me to go a whole day without using it.  In fact, reading Yelp reviews of different restaurants has become one of my favorite hobbies.  Some of the things that people fixate on in their restaurant reviews are hilarious.

I always enjoy the ones along the lines of, "The food was good and the service was ok, but our waiter's hair was terrible and it really ruined our dining experience.  Not sure if we'll be able to come back now."  Really?  You're not going to go back to a restaurant because you didn't like your waiter's hair?  I hate to think of how much repeat business I cost Red Robin when I worked there because let's just say that my hair has never been known to cooperate with anything or anyone.

Another fun game that I've come to love is called Guess Which Reviews Were Written By The Restaurant Owners.  You can always tell.  They're just a little too perfect.  These automatically  make me suspicious.

However, my favorite type of review is written by a Yelper who thinks that they're a professional restaurant critic.  These often unintentionally hilarious reviews are a constant source of amusement.  This one by David V. is by far my favorite:

I am a coney lover in the Flint tradition. That said, I love all coney places and have a new resolution to visit (and yelp!) every one in Michigan I can find. This is my first stop on that journey. 
The decor and ambiance is perfect. Prints of Elvis and Marilyn Monroe hanging slightly skewed on the wall along with newspaper clipping and about Jackson Coney and Jackson history.  Tables and countertops are shiny stainless steel - very cool! 
The service was quick and friendly!
Ordered the usual (two with everything) and was not disappointed. Buns were nicely steamed. Dogs were not natural casing and lacked that 'snap', but tasted fine. Meat sauce has a little less paprika than I'm used to, but it was good too. Onions were finely cut and very sweet. THIS IS A TRUE CONEY.
Overall, this place is everything you'd expect and I loved it!

I was in Jackson last week with co-workers from southern Ohio (which, for those who are unaware, means that they are Skyline cinnamon chili fans) and I was trying to explain to them what a real coney was supposed to taste like.  We were Yelping coneys in Jackson to find a place for lunch when I came across this beauty. After reading it aloud to my co-workers, one of them asked, "So is that where we're going for lunch?"  I responded, "How can we afford not to?"  I mean really.  With a review like that, how can you not go check the place out yourself?

In reality, the decor that was rated so highly only consisted of a couple of stock framed lithos of Elvis and Marilyn.  The tabletops were indeed shiny stainless steel though.  The coneys were pretty terrible.  The "chili" was really just a pile of ground beef on top of my hot dog (which, as David V. pointed out, did indeed lack that "snap").  If I can eat it with a fork, it's not chili.  I can't comment on the level of paprika because in my life I've never actually figured out what paprika is supposed to taste like.  I'm really not convinced that it has any flavor at all, but then again I'm not a professional restaurant reviewer.  The onions on my co-workers' coneys were definitely as finely cut as noted in the review.  That was definitely the most impressive part about Jackson Coney.

Luckily, we continued our coney quest the following day at another coney found on Yelp and their chili was much, much better.  For starters, it actually had the consistency of coney chili.  (For readers not from Michigan, that basically means pureed meat sauce, but we try not to dwell on that too much.)  Hopefully next week in East Lansing yields better results.